I created this blog months ago (with James' much appreciated assistance), and every time I think of something to write about a little voice in my head (that sounds suspiciously like Captain Jack Sparrow) says "wait... for the opportune... moment". Being the type of girl who thinks herself a logical person, I always think back "okay!" - because, of course, mysterious mind voices must always be listened to.
In the words of John Mayer, I recently found that I have been "playing the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun."
But really, if my life hasn't begun already, I expect it never will.
When I met James, I never expected to fall in love with him. When I fell in love with him, I never expected it to last. When I accepted Jesus, I never expected to experience any miracles. When James and I talked about going to New Zealand together, I never expected it to actually happen. When I graduated high school and went to a strange little college in a strange little town, I never expected to learn anything. And when I did a lot of growing up while at that strange little place, I never expected to have to do anymore growing up again.
And thus far, everything that I never expected to happen has happened. What this leads me to believe is quite simple: I have been, for many years, in desperate need of change.
My life has been happening in spite of me for a while now. And while I've been too busy waiting for the unexpected, God's been trying to show me that through Him, nothing really is unexpected.
I've been clinging desperately to James for fear of losing him for far too long now. I've been using the excuse of "baby Christian" for far too long now. I've been denying the inevitability of growing up for far too long now.
I feel as though God has picked me up by the collar of my shirt, held me up to his radiant face and said "this is YOUR life, and YOU need to be a part of it." Silly me... I can only ignore His presence for so long. And you wanna know the real kicker? All this time, I've been complacent (aka stagnant) in my faith because, although I desired many things, I never expected to achieve or receive them.
As you can see, I need to start expecting the unexpected. Well, maybe not expecting it... I really just need to realize that God can do all the things that I think can't be done. He's been trying to get this through to me for so long now.
Looking back from this change of heart, I see how beautiful my life has actually been - with or without my participation. I'm now going to try my hardest to be more present in my life in all ways (spiritually, emotionally, mentally, etc.). There is so much to be praised... I'm so thankful that God decided to awaken my heart when He did. I dont want to miss out on my own life anymore.
"For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18
